So, let’s not always be poetic. I started this blog in first place, to be writing. And writing contains all kinds of BLA.
Since I have discovered that my Bipolar and how I handle that condition, can be of interest or even help to other individuals, I’d like to head into that direction. Because I do not see Bipolar as a disorder. What they actually diagnose by calling Bipolar a disorder, in fact is Individuality. Bipolar is the condition which seperates from the common mainstream, which those prefer to label as something negative, because they are not just unable to understand what is the difference, nor to accept that difference as something possible better than the condition to which they are limited.
I live very happily with my Bipolar. All it took me, was to understand which are the borders that actually seperate me from others and how come I would never manage to make any single one understand. It’s not that I haven’t tried! Actually, trying took me three fucking centuries of suffering before I rationally concluded that there is nothing fucking wrong with being different. I’m nothing bad only because there are so very less of my kind. I’m simply not one of them, so I remain in my own little world.
My world is a complex network of interests to keep my mind busy, while I walk and function in their incredibly small and limited reality or society. This works very well and depending on the state of awareness of the present limitations of others, I can even benefit by creating entertaining scenarios.
Most Bipolars suffer from severe depression and experience nothing but evil and horror, until they finally get their diagnose. They do not know it’s themselves who cause all this unluck and sadness. They do not know they actually cause others to reject them because they are not aware of their difference, while at the same time they recieve the same propaganda signals the gorvernments made sure to be constantly spread.
Bipolar is an anomaly affecting the brain. When those scientists mention the brain in a medical diagnose, they do mean this organ and it’s function – not the mental ability. Mental ability is only an aspect concearning the brain. There are so many studies about this part and its capacities – “anomaly” does not mean anything less than regular, it can be the better than the common. And who knows how to rate the common state without the ability to even see the big picture?
I have suffered most times of my life, like those. I have not felt welcome and from my current position I can honestly say I have never really been welcome. I was strange for my family and never was anyhow accepted nor understand by anyone else. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have friends of some kind but those relations worked based on their ability to accept: That girl is different, but she is a good being and she is fun to hang out with. I owe those few people a lot. Who knows how far I would’ve come without them. I guess my first suicide attempt at the age of 13 would’ve been a success.
But all these things are past and it’s all good like that. I learned things. I understood things. I made peace with myself and others and today – not even I can’t believe this – I am some sort of rolemodel or somehow inspirational for others. And this is not in my head, they don’t hesitate to tell me the most awesome things streight to my face. Which is awkward, but even this is something to accept.
There is not one single person in my life from before 2012. Not one of them has ever seen my face even once before that time, but they know about my losses and my story how I got here and to see and watch me just live every day – the way I choose to live and act – somehow makes them feel better. They love me for it somehow and I can say I love them too, because they do not even try to put anything from them on me. I do not have to talk to impress them. They are okay with me observing. Life got quite comfortable.
How I came to this point is the longest story. A super confusing story with a somehow awkward timeline – but it holds some great chapters. I hope it will be fun and of some support for someone to read. Just don’t expect too much or try to judge my words, because there is nothing to judge. This is just life and I’m one of them living. Oh and if there is something not to be understood or not to be followed because it might seem to be out of sense: don’t worry, in that case it’s just not meant for you to understand as I explained somewhere above.