So, I turned out to be incredibly bad in connecting. I can’t communicate well with others and I have to admit I never really attempted to even try. That’s something which comes along being bipolar and introverted and with all this irrational anxiety. It’s not like I’m not perfectly aware of my deficits – the point is, I cannot make myself act differently.
With keeping a personal blog the standard is to aim for audience. In my case: I fear audience or to be more precise: I cannot deal with any sort of attention in general. Still I figured there are others like me. Others who still need to come along a very long and hard way to understand and learn how to handle their bipolar and anxiety. People like us need support and lots of information to grow an understanding for our own selves.
Psychiatrists and Therapists have a hard time with bipolars because there is no standard direction, no How-To-Guide-A-Bipolar-Into-Proper-Living. We are by standard confused and confusing. Therapies are mostly useless because in order to guide, it first needs to know the directions. But there are no directions when the current position is not determined in first place.
I have come this far to have passed the first third of my life somehow successfully and this is because I got to experience and deal a lot with me. I literally spend my life questioning, researching, concluding, trying and failing several times to get an understanding of just me. By now I learned enough to have identified some of my “defects” and have developed my own techniques on how to handle them. God knows this was a horrible mission and it still is.
It helped to find out I’m not alone with my sort of mind. And also I got to experience that just sharing my stories and acting myself out all naturally was affecting others positively. Like I could help people by just letting them observe how I live. Suddenly I get consulted about my opinions and be asked for advise. But the most shocking experience was to have people thank me for following my example. I really have people standing up, being more confident with theirselves and instead of being rejected I am now being accepted and welcome.
This is why I am keeping this blog. I’m not meant to aim for entertainment. But I am here to be found as an example that it is okay to be manic and confusing at certain times. And it’s okay to be devastated, completely lost and shattered other times. We are not all meant to fit in. But there will always be others like us and they shall know we all struggle and fail, we fear and don’t understand the fuzz but we remain successfully living after being mistreated, rejected and even abused. We grow from all that and in the end we can all do a lot better.
So, if there is anyone reading this, being bipolar and maybe knowing others – pass this on if you feel like it. And if there are questions or just the urge for a short talk, send me a message.