I have wasted most of my years waiting for someone to care. Sitting there, wondering how all these bad things could be happening to me. How I could be so beaten by life. At first I believed to be punished and kept praying little girls prayers to be forgiven. Then I figured just asking for something and expecting everything to change was not just naive, but selfish. It would need to be earned. I would have to do good to be granted the help of God.
That’s how I started to observe and learn there is so much pain, it wasn’t just me. Driven by compassion and this urge to please, I was digging for peoples stories. I wanted to see what was moving them and I wanted to help. And that’s how I became a people pleaser.
Suddenly everyone seemed to be struggeling and dealing with problems. I found reasons and understood everything. It may be hard to believe, but given this understanding, you learn how to forgive everything. You understand sometimes people are too overwhelmed with worries and fears, they start to harm others in some sort of selfdefense. Everyone copes differently. How well they do depends on their emotional strength. The weak ones do evil because that is an easy thing.
God knows I’ve let them suck the living shit out of me. They would harm me in any possible way but I would keep on forgiving just to be better than them. Like I was waiting for a miracle to relieve me from my punishment, I wanted to be this for them.Enduring became my superpower and I even felt proud about still standing. I was beaten from all sides and suffered so gracefully, it was not anyhow to be hidden anymore.
But with time I was simply accepted to be this person. I had those taking advantage of me and others pitying me. I was even labeled the indestructable one.
Still, no matter what, it just wouldn’t get better. Everytime I would think things can’t get any worse I was proven wrong. Everytime I thought I had faced the worst in people, they would come up with something to teach me better.
It all led me to this one day on which I found myself in my friends dining room, surrounded by a group of my dearest ones begging me to just do one thing for myself once. I had my best friend crying and insisting that I would destroy my own self if I’d keep on enduring and forgiving. And like her I had been crying but laughing on my inside because she only knew the comfortable part of my situation.
I would love to say that day I had a change of mind. That I had been enlightened and left as I was told, but that wouldn’t have been me. It took months and a lot more to face, before I had to admit the mistake in my conclusions and that I would have to give up on them.
That’s how we become who we are. We have to try and be mistaken first, to find the right way. We have to endure to gain experience. There is no method to know things more certainly than to grow out of them.
So I am not a people pleaser anymore but I don’t regret a single thing from my past because I can still understand.