I remember when I was little, at some point I had watched whatever movie and got all drawn to the idea of playing the piano. Maybe I was five or six and I just wanted this. To sit at this huge instrument and make music all by myself.
My parents were still married at this time and as God wanted it, one of my aunts husband was a musician. So one day we went to visit those strangers in a small village outside of our city and I got all excited as we entered their house and were led into their living room. There was an actual piano right in front of me.
We were sitting on their couch and the adults were drinking coffee. There were snacks and sweets on the table, which I didn’t touch as usual because I was afraid my parents would tell me I’m greedy. So I was just attentive and listening to their conversation.
Turned out that uncle was playing in a country band and he could play the piano, the guitar and the saxophone. But the conversation simply didn’t go my way. They said something about that I would like to play the piano but they’d rather like me to learn how to play the guitar. So, I cannot recall the whole scene but in the end I was given an acoustic guitar and was ordered to repeat three notes all over again and again.
My parents must have been proud of their selves, really. They had taken me for a trip to new people and I ended up with an instrument by the end of that day. Wish granted.
I never even sat down trying to play that thing once in the following years. It ended up as an accessory in our house and I would never get to request an equal wish, because they’d come up with this story – that I had so badly wanted to learn how to play the guitar but had immediately gotten bored of it.
My life remained like this for the rest of it until today. I would want something specific and my mother was making sure to fulfill the core of the request, somehow managing to deliver the wrong thing. Like as at some point she had simply made the decision to educate me about how to be disappointed.
I wanted a princess Barbie and made sure to explain it has to be a Barbie doll because the others looked awkward and ended up with a proud mom presenting me the Petra doll.
I asked for a pair of high top Converse in elementary school, making sure to explain it shall not be the low ones without the label – of course I got the low ones.
I asked for a pair of LA Gear sports shoes with the floral design and got the ugliest non floral LA Gear shoes imaginable.
Once I asked for a pair of tight black leather pants and got blue velvet pants because she liked “The Artist formerly known as Prince”
Or: I wanted her to just cut my split ends and ended up with a short bob.
List goes on…
Of course people could say now, I was a spoiled unthankful teenager, but it needs to be considered there was not one exception for me ever and I can’t say it wasn’t her intention, because my brother somehow always got exactly what he requested. He has not ever been disappointed even once.
Oh, and don’t forget I started working by the age of 13 to provide my own self with nice things since I wouldn’t receive them from her. Then this funny incident occurred when I was preparing to iron my brand new, yet unworn trousers from that little french boutique I had never gotten to visit with her.
I had just plugged the iron in and set to a low heat, because the fabric was very delicate and left the room. But when I returned and touched those trousers with the iron for the very first time, it burned right through them and turned them into a piece of junk instantly. I was standing there about to faint and started crying, when she stepped through the door, telling me she turned up the heat because “it was too low”.
And it has not been matter of being a teenager, because she kept on enjoying her thing even while I was long married, as of once I called her to go to a shop and make a reservation for tableware which I had been saving up for. The set was made of different designs per piece, with hand drawn ornaments and florals matching perfectly – no matter how you mix them – so each dinner you could combine them in different ways but always have a beautiful setup.
Something like this:
So when I had saved the needed amount I was dying to get them, but I couldn’t go there the same day and just wanted her to make a reservation so I could get them the following day and have them already packed for me.
Instead she called me an hour later giggling from excitement and said she will come to my place to bring my new dishes. God knows how much I loved her in that moment, because I thought of how well she knew I couldn’t wait to own them and she even made the effort to bring them.
But when she got to my place, she did not bring what I had expected. Instead she had been shopping at a different place which was currently selling out and brought me a whole different set because it contained more pieces.
This last thing I will never forget, because I couldn’t believe she managed to do this to me though I had not been under her supervision and responsibility anymore. I think this is when I accepted that I shouldn’t dare want anything nice for me and just learn to accept everything I would be granted.
You know, if there is nothing to expect or want, there is no more disappointment. Very simple.