So, I fucked up the 10 things to do as a Bipolar to have shit work out – for now. But I’m gonna get back to it, promise.

Currently I’m not in happy butterfly mode. Too be honest I’m in Far-far-away-from-that-world. But let’s hack it into the keyboard one after another.

As I haven’t made it a secret it should be known I escaped the most bizzare episode of my life only three and half years ago, running from my brother and mother and one abusive relationship into the next one.

I left my mentally disordered brother in jail, put my mother in hell and found refuge in victims security just to get married to a fraud xD In all that time I have seen a therapist only once and for the rest of it remained dealing with stuff on my own.

Oh, and I did well! I got rid of the fraud husband somehow quick and without much damage. Found the most incredible and realest person on this planet to not just love me, but accept and support me as I am. All Bipolar and fucked.

We are strong in our third year of long distance relationship and with his support I managed to raise from a low profile job as a cleaner in a hospital to be the head of a workers council with all benefits a leading position can offer.

I’ve got a nice three room apartment office, newest technology to work with – went on a workshop to Berlin by plane with my son on company expenses – have proven myself as a competent leader and there is no one of my skill and knowledge even in the management rank. Whatever problem there is, I not just got the solution but I also win to have all requests fullfilled.

So, the question might be: okay girl, you are dope and showing off – what you want?

I found myself dying. That’s what it’s about. I have ignored myself and the pain meant to feel after losing everything I have known and I did not accept to have been damaged from abuse. I believed it wasn’t a big thing or I wanted it to be that way and in this completely new environment it was an easy thing to not have anyone know shit about me.

I started working in this company 2013 and have eversince functioned as the one caring and dealing about the problems of other people. I was so welcome as the good soul, made friends easily and people wouldn’t reject my advise or service because they learned I’m secure to depend on.

I have hugged and cheered up so many crying women, taking their weight of their shoulders and fighting for all of our rights – it became epidemic.

It was the most fatal decision ever to run for the position as part of this council and even more severe to become the head of it.

Now I am being the target of another obsessive posessive man, stalking and hunting me down, analyzing my very self while I have not ever taken a break to care about my well being. Became the number one subject of hate for all of those struggeling with my sudden success and of course the position as head of the workers council itself requires a lot of mental strength because CEO and management are not happy to have someone interfere in their business. Does it even need to be mentioned as a woman in a men’s ruled environment, working is not a nice thing?

Oh and add my landlords disrespecting my privacy, sending me shitty letters with redicioulous demands because they figured as a single mother working fulltime I do not have much energy left to write aggressive letters in return?

And that I have to get so many things done to prepare all needed documents, etc for my intended wedding in march? xD

I’m dying people, no kidding. The second I leave the house I’m so fucking afraid of the simplest things, while every social interaction feels like a beating. I’m running and functioning without any recognizable weakness at least 12 hours a day, anticipating nothing but returning home just to lay on my couch praying for silence with those dogs from upstairs never quitting their barking :v

I reached a point where I need to shut off. There is no one I can help at this moment. I’m out of order for ya’ll.

Thanks to God I was smart enough to admit this to myself and reached out for help. There is nothing bad about help. So, I’m now starting to heal myself, admitting that I have great wounds and damages and every once in a while, I will share progress and experience as I feel on this journey.

Welcome to another chapter of myselfcustomized ❤

P.S.: For those cheering because they hate me and were intending to break me: Fuck you – I’m only recharging and you will get more reasons to hate me, wait for that

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