Alright, I know it’s been forever since my last post but that’s just me. A lotta things have happened for sure and so let’s just give it a try to fill the blank space and move ahead. Maybe – just maybe, this will be kinda helpful for me too.
I got kinda stuck in myself again. Somehow this shit happens in some five or up to ten year cycle, at least due to my observation. It’s this bipolar thing you know. We will not simply gain happiness and stick to it. Instead, once we got to reach the highest peak of satisfaction and happiness we somehow manage to destroy all of it with just this incredible power of our sick minds. (You know I say we because simply I can”t be the only one doing this, that would seriously be super horrible.)
Anyway, 2015 was an incredible year people. I accomplished building a workers council at work, became the Chairwoman of it, had my very own super awesome office which really was more than an apartment for work with three rooms all to myself, a kitchen and private bathroom. I ran this shit like I was made for it. The CEO and everyone in management hated me but couldn’t do anything about my requests. I made a lot of people happy helping with their issues and received a good salary for being my own boss. Seriously I went from the bottom to the top.
That’s when I started the “10 Things To Do As A Bipolar To Have Shit Work Out” posts, because I thought I finally got control over all of it but we all know I didn’t even get to complete the whole thing and simply vanished at some point.
This was because I had a huge meltdown. Things got so rapidly out of control, my whole system simply shut down. Long story short: One of my council colleagues clearly lost his mind over me. That guy was 63 years old and a great support during the whole elections period and establishment of the council. A fighter for the cause. But he got obsessed with me really quickly. Whoever I would talk to, he would suspect me or them of sexual or whatever improper intentions and run around the facility raging about whatever he was imagining and causing huge damage to not only my reputation, but clearly my work too. He tried to isolate me from others to claim my presence for himself. He became my shadow, much to the amusement of co-workers and council members because it was just too obvious this old guy had grown an obsession. I was even warned by several people in the very beginning of this but assured them that I am aware of the situation and that I would know how to handle this.
My ass. At first it worked well to remind him of his delusions. I would just have to talk everything through with him to get him back on the ground, but with more time passing it has only gotten worse. In the end I would even receive late night calls from him out of a bar, telling me how he cannot “read me” or “foresee my upcoming steps” and how that would make him deeply hate me sometimes but admire me in the same time. He expressed his fascination for my character and mind, constantly asking how come I know the things I know. Wondering about my education, my mindset, my opinion, everything.
He told me how he would keep thinking about me constantly, trying to analyze me in whole and going insane on his inability to do so. That’s creepy isn’t it? I don’t wanna be observed and analyzed by anyone like a freaking lab rat or some kind of alien. This is sick people. Especially if you’re being told about it and even blamed for being such a mystery. (Mystery! That’s a quote here!)
Do you know what it does to a destabilized mind, who has already encountered oppression and abuse several times prior in life? It shuts it fucking down. You know about my mother, my abusive first husband and being held captive by my psychopath brother. I have escaped from all of that and thought I had successfully moved ahead, living a self-determined life with my son, awesome job and a place to live in peace just to find myself again facing one of those obsessive possessive motherfuckers trying to put me in a box.
This is where I finally broke. I reached my limit. It was like button switched in my brain which I had forever been guarding surrounded by the people who were destroying me. Maybe I was feeling too save and unprepared for another one of that kind after everything, I don’t know. I just lost.
So, I broke down completely. At first I just ran away from everything. I would call in sick for 3 weeks, curled up on the couch and not move for a week. My son thought I was physically sick in a way I’m about to die because that’s what I suddenly really looked like. No one can imagine this. There was so much anxiety which I couldn’t really identify, it had me paralyzed. And you know my opinion about mind altering medication – I despise them because they can make people kill themselves – but this time I was all up for it.
I got to see several psychiatrists – so called professionals who after being flooded with my traumas, couldn’t do anything but send me to yet other colleagues, simply because they figured there is too much trauma which would need intense therapy they could not provide. It was a pain in the ass. I mean I got a lot of compliments for my “incredible rationality” concerning the damages I experienced and there was real fascination for my case, but after several attempts with always the same result (not getting help), I went to one of those psychiatrists who would just prescribe something I considered suitable after a conversation of about 10 Minutes – something to kill my anxiety.
Wrong decision. Those meds change the chemistry in your brain and start with a major headache you have to endure for the first 10-21 days of consumption. Great. I took them for ten days and then wrote ’em off. I figured in order to feel better I should rather change my situation to make an end to those fears which kept controlling me.
In a meeting with the CEO I explained the situation, much to his amusement because he hated me for my integrity as the Chairwoman of the council, but still managed to benefit from his hatred and intention to get rid of me. After only 20 Minutes I left his office and this company for good with a nice deal in my pocket, granting me full payment for the next 6 months with exemption from presence.
Awesome! Trust me, I didn’t shed a single tear for this job. I started the whole council with exactly two goals: To improve the conditions for my people and to piss the CEO off so he would pay me to leave. Mission accomplished.
Being exempted from work and still being employed for a while, gave me exactly the amount of freedom needed to also accomplish my private goals: Going to Egypt to get married to my fiance and starting my own beautiful family. Taking care of the things which really matter…